MY HEART OVERFLOWETH

I haven't blogged since we made the decision to place Pat at Oakhill living Center in Angier.  It's been painful, devastating, and just plain sad.  I didn't know what to say.  I felt I had let him down.. I had let my family down, I had let ME down,  and I had let YOU down. I'm young, I'm healthy... Why couldn't I take care of my husband!  The idea of him being in a strange place full of "old" "sick" and "lifeless" people who were just waiting to die.....was more than I could handle. When we left him there that first day,  I thought we would surely shatter  into a million pieces.  And for a while that's how I felt.  The first week was tough.  The second and third weeks were even tougher. Not only on us but on everyone involved.  He resisted the care, the staff was frazzled and the residents were afraid of Pat .  He was young, he was strong, and he was scary.  I wanted to bring him home.  I wanted him back! My friends and my family would beg me to give it some time because they had no doubt in their mind that I just might do it! And believe me, I almost did. Many times!
I dreaded the visits because I knew each time I walked in I would have to face the music. The fear, the sickness and emptiness of everyone there.  I would look around and think "how sad is this!"

  I kept busy with the best family and friends a girl could have but the guilt of not being able to care for Pat ate at me. I had my firsts.... thanksgiving... Christmas.... New Years  and even the little things you never even think of like trips to the grocery store, the bank, the post office and even our weekly trip to take the trash to the dump in our little blue truck.  Each time got easier.  And so did my visits to Oakhill.  The frazzled staff had slowly but surely fallen in love with Pat and he was in love with them too. The residents were warming up and several took him under their wings.  That's all it took.
But the most magical thing of all was taking place within me.  These once lifeless, sickly,  old people b were now becoming my angels. . And lifeless they are NOT.  Whenever I go, I leave feeling like I'm the one who needed to see them, not the other way around.  Let me give you some insight into my visit with Pat today.  When I got to the front door, one of the more mentally challenged men greeted me with a big grin and pointed to Pats room.  On my way down, I got a hug from several residents and went in to give Pat a big valentine kiss. We went for a walk down the hall towards the activity room and met up with a familiar resident who took me by the hand and continued walking with us.  I thought to myself, "how sweet, she needed this" and we went and sat down at the piano.  Pat likes me to play chopsticks and I smiled at our friend and told her I'd play it for her too.  Keep in mind I felt like I was really doing something.  About that time another friend who is 96 came out of her room and motioned for me to come over there.  She wanted me to know that the "poor old lady" or so I thought... Was quite a pianist. Reallllllly! Yeah right.  Guess what, she sat down and began to play the most beautiful sounds I have ever heard.  She played our songs... You are my sunshine, This little light of mine, and Jesus loves me.   She also played our favorite hymn "In the Garden"  she was smiling and so was Pat.  I on the other hand, was choking back the tears.  Tears of joy! How wrong I have been.  I could go on and on but I'll leave them for other blogs. These precious people have made me a better person.  My heart overfloweth  with Love.   Happy Valentines Day everyone.

It's called commitment

AndI haven't blogged in quite sometime . . . Can't really pinpoint one particular reason.  I've posted pictures, written several captions and tried to give friends a few smiles even when I'm not smiling myself.   Today we've been married 34 years and to say it's all been bliss wouldn't be accurate.  We all walk down that isle thinking no love is like ours and this will see us through any storm.  And then life kicks in.   I remember us  going through the usual pre wedding  counseling with my preacher and he said something to us that sounded odd at the time.  He said  I wish I could tell you this love I see between the two of you will be all you will ever need.  It will withstand the test of time . .  It will never waiver. But I can't.  There will be times you'll  ask yourself.. WHO IS THIS PERSON.... WHAT WAS I THINKING?????  I QUIT!    He then said. the word . . COMMITTMENT .  That is the key .  You committed yourselves to one another in front of God and witnesses and that's what's gonna sustain you when you can't feel the love. . It sounded silly to me  cause we were both so GOO GOO EYED!  Let me tell you friends... I've repeated that to many people over the years, and most importantly to myself. Do I love Pat?  Of course I do but no better advice was ever given to me.  Pat is slowly declining and days can drag on and on.  I try to keep us busy but it's getting easier to just stay home.  Every time we leave the house... It takes an act of congress to even get packed and out the door.  I know his disease is fatal and I know we aren't going to have many more if any more anniversaries.  He isn't aware that today is our special day ( no matter how many times I've told him) ... But I do.  This week I've seen a decline which seems to be the case lately.  He isn't able to communicate his needs clearly and it is frustrating to say the least. He needs constant supervision and help with all his basic needs.  He's tired more than unusual but gets some excercise cause he follows me everywhere I go.  He's still mobile indeed.  Am I a saint... Absolutely NOT! I get tired, I get aggravated... I get resentful! But I'm committed to this man that I LOVE ( at least at this moment;) and I try to remember where we started.  How it all started... And the 34 years of our life together.  Neither one of us have been perfect.. But we've had a beautiful life together.  And I thankful we stuck it out. I'd do it all again. We  feel your love and your prayers. THANK YOU

Everyday is a gift....

I just couldn't resist.... Today is Pats birthday and we are at our very special place where our family has special memories with Pat's mom and dad.  He picked up their picture and smiled as he said" this is my mom and dad"!  Of course we had to  gather up some things and sing  happy birthday.  Thanks Betty and Bill Merritt for giving me the gift of Pat to be the father of my children and  my husband!  Now we're headed down to the beach to soak up some sun and continuing celebrating this precious life!  We hope you all enjoy the holiday weekend and take time for the little things.. The important things..

The simple things

I haven't blogged in a while because I felt I didn't have much to say other than.. "Yep... He still has it" and " it isn't going away!"  I worry about bringing my friends down if I don't have anything funny to say to lighten the mood and you know me... We gotta laugh!   I've done my share of laughing and my share of crying and a whole lot of praying.  I don't know about you but turning it all over to God and trusting him completely is hard for me.  I've always believed that if there's a problem, there's got to be a way to fix it and my philosophy has always been  GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES.

My sweet daddy would always told me that.  He also always told me. . . YOU MAKE YOUR LUCK!  Well, I've tried everything known to man to try to fix this and I finally had to accept what is. So now what?  Well, One thing I know for sure is when we start our day with our devotions and prayer... Our day goes so much better.  Before this stupid disease took over our life, we were always rushing around and passing in the night.  Not now... It took a lot of getting use to but I can honestly say it's made me really appreciate the little things.., the simple things.  For instance... We have a bird feeder outside our kitchen window.  Pat is not able to use his words to tell me something but he will quietly nudge me and  point to the birds when they are feeding.  We stand still and quietly watch.  We've also discovered we love to nap in our small sunroom. We have two love seats and we've been known to each take a couch and snooze while the ceiling fan keeps us cool.  And... We sing in the shower every morning. I'm sure we scare  plenty of birds off then!!!  And each afternoon we check out our garden to see what's growing and blooming.  In fact yesterday we worked in our yard and it was scortching hot out!  We enjoyed spraying each other with the water hose. It's the little things that fill our days but when this season of our life is over... You can bet I'll be a better person for it.   I want to tell you all how much we appreciate your love and friendship and know we feel the prayers.  Pat is actually in a phase where he's happy, seems to feel good and is soooo sweet.  I'LL TAKE IT!  

Helen

I've been wondering what I could blog about lately other than how sad Pats disease is and how everyday is different.  You have your good days as well as the difficult days and oftentimes it's good and difficult all in the same day!  I debated on whether to continue our Easter tradition at Cherry Grove because it's just easier to stay home these days.  But after encouragement from my friends and family... I thought "what the heck... We can give it a shot".  And I'm so glad we did.  We're  staying the night with our friends Ricky and Diane and BELL ( doggie) and I have missed them and didn't realize how much!!  Its obvious Pat has too!  Did I mention my kids are with us so that makes it even more special.???? .. Anyway... We were sitting around the table enjoying a great dinner and everyone talking and reminiscing. FYI. Pat's  disease has affected his speech to the point that he's unable to really join in the conversation but he still enjoys the fellowship.  Well. We were having trouble remembering a friend's name and we kept saying... Helen???.... Helen...... Helen........... Trying to get her last name to come to us when someone yelled...KELLER!  Yep it was Pat!  I just had to share.  Happy Easter everyone!  

Memory lane

Today started out a little shaky after being up all night but as the day went on... It got better and better.  Today is our sweet Lauralees 30th birthday and we did a lot of thumbing through pictures and reminiscing.  You know I did all the talking, as usual, but Pat enjoyed it by the look in his eyes.  Later we ran errands and our friend Jennifer went with us. We showed  her where our children went to school and decided to turn into their middle school which was West Millbrook.  We parked at their baseball fields which holds so many memories for us especially Pat.  He was quite the coach to all three of our children, as well as half of North Raleigh!  We walked around the fields and the dugouts and the batting cage.  Boy did he perk up!  One particular story stood out today because it was about the birthday girl.  The story goes... Pat had two boys and one girl who he was determined to make into a boy it seemed.  Can you spell COMPETETIVE?  That's my Pat.  Well, Laura Lee was in the middle of softball try outs for  west Millbrook and it was do or die!  Her coach, Mrs Moore, looked far beyond the outfield up into a wooded picnic table area..... And who did she see???? There sat Pat in his coat and tie (work attire) perched on a picnic table spying on LauraLee!  Like he didn't stand out!  I don't really know if he was spying on his little girl or the coach but either way.. She made the team!  And lauralee never lived it down.  What a good day it was for COACH MERRITT!  He was and still is that kind of dad.  I will end with what I had to remind them both for many years afterwards.... LAURALEE YOU ARE A GIRL!  STOP IT PAT!  And what a beautiful DADDYS  girl she is....

I believe this was what happened

This morning Pat,Sharon Merritt, and I were drinking our coffee and watching the program "The Doctors". It was about Lyme disease and what it can do to your body if undiagnosed.  I went through years trying to figure out what was wrong with Pat. I was on the computer constantly researching what it could be.  Just ask LAURALEE... she'd come down stairs in the middle of the night and say..." You're searching for answers aren't you momma?" She got used to it.   We were in and out of the doctors offices and always got a clean bill of health.  But it never satisfied my concern.  I knew something was wrong.  Physically it was apparent that he wasn't well .  It wasn't until a few years later that it was obvious that his brain wasn't working up to speed for Pat and his sharp mind.  When I look back over the years and when I could pinpoint the changes that were happening before our eyes, I came to the conclusion it was chronic LYME DISEASE! I've always felt in my heart that's where it all began.  At this point it doesn't matter what caused it... It's too late.  But it isn't too late for someone else.  Be aware of this my friends.... Read up on it.  Know your body...  And FYI.... I'm known by many of my friends as THE WITCH DOCTOR"! I'm available if you need me........