I haven't blogged since we made the decision to place Pat at Oakhill living Center in Angier. It's been painful, devastating, and just plain sad. I didn't know what to say. I felt I had let him down.. I had let my family down, I had let ME down, and I had let YOU down. I'm young, I'm healthy... Why couldn't I take care of my husband! The idea of him being in a strange place full of "old" "sick" and "lifeless" people who were just waiting to die.....was more than I could handle. When we left him there that first day, I thought we would surely shatter into a million pieces. And for a while that's how I felt. The first week was tough. The second and third weeks were even tougher. Not only on us but on everyone involved. He resisted the care, the staff was frazzled and the residents were afraid of Pat . He was young, he was strong, and he was scary. I wanted to bring him home. I wanted him back! My friends and my family would beg me to give it some time because they had no doubt in their mind that I just might do it! And believe me, I almost did. Many times!
I dreaded the visits because I knew each time I walked in I would have to face the music. The fear, the sickness and emptiness of everyone there. I would look around and think "how sad is this!"
I kept busy with the best family and friends a girl could have but the guilt of not being able to care for Pat ate at me. I had my firsts.... thanksgiving... Christmas.... New Years and even the little things you never even think of like trips to the grocery store, the bank, the post office and even our weekly trip to take the trash to the dump in our little blue truck. Each time got easier. And so did my visits to Oakhill. The frazzled staff had slowly but surely fallen in love with Pat and he was in love with them too. The residents were warming up and several took him under their wings. That's all it took.
But the most magical thing of all was taking place within me. These once lifeless, sickly, old people b were now becoming my angels. . And lifeless they are NOT. Whenever I go, I leave feeling like I'm the one who needed to see them, not the other way around. Let me give you some insight into my visit with Pat today. When I got to the front door, one of the more mentally challenged men greeted me with a big grin and pointed to Pats room. On my way down, I got a hug from several residents and went in to give Pat a big valentine kiss. We went for a walk down the hall towards the activity room and met up with a familiar resident who took me by the hand and continued walking with us. I thought to myself, "how sweet, she needed this" and we went and sat down at the piano. Pat likes me to play chopsticks and I smiled at our friend and told her I'd play it for her too. Keep in mind I felt like I was really doing something. About that time another friend who is 96 came out of her room and motioned for me to come over there. She wanted me to know that the "poor old lady" or so I thought... Was quite a pianist. Reallllllly! Yeah right. Guess what, she sat down and began to play the most beautiful sounds I have ever heard. She played our songs... You are my sunshine, This little light of mine, and Jesus loves me. She also played our favorite hymn "In the Garden" she was smiling and so was Pat. I on the other hand, was choking back the tears. Tears of joy! How wrong I have been. I could go on and on but I'll leave them for other blogs. These precious people have made me a better person. My heart overfloweth with Love. Happy Valentines Day everyone.
